My "Smile on Your Heart" theory was born while I was in high school in the early 90's. I remember the day. It a beautiful day outside and I was skipping down the hall to my locker. It was probably the beginning of the school year after a spiritually refreshing week at church camp in the summer.
I was always ready and redecicated to the Lord at the beginning of the school year. Sometimes I would just be overwhelmed with the goodness of God and the forgiveness He gave me, thankful for it all!
But on that day, it really hit me...sunk in...that having Jesus in my heart, meant there would always be something to be happy about. He forgave me and I can trust him. There might not always be a smile on my face, but Jesus in my heart was a smile that would be there through good times and bad. I believed that "smile on my heart" would last and make it back to my face even if something really bad happened. It took away so much fear.
My life had been pretty easy at the time. How could I really know that Jesus would be enough in hard times?
Until 2000, the theory went unchallenged in my life. I didn't always remember the smile on my heart, but I tried to follow Jesus. Ten years later, as a 24-year-old mommy of an 18-month-old baby girl and pregnant with my second child, the test came.
My little princess was as normal as can be until some family members noticed her cheek looking swollen. Slowly, but over the course of only 3 weeks, her jaw grew noticeably. Knowing something was seriously wrong, I took her to the doctor many times until he referred us to the Children's Hospital in Seattle. In the days following, the life I had planned for us unraveled as we came to find out that our innocent little girl had a very high-risk form of childhood cancer.
It was a difficult time, but I was amazed at how the Lord carried us through. Sometimes it was like I was watching myself go through this trial from somewhere outside of my body. God was completely trustworthy through it all.
I had good days where I was filled with hope and I had bad days when I laid on the floor in the hallway by her bedroom door and cried out in fear. We had hope she would make it, then it was crushed each of the three times we got the results showing a relapse. With this particular cancer, the doctors considered a single relapse as a sign that she wasn't going to make it in the end. We didn't fight it very hard with each relapse, but did only what would help keep her comfortable for the longest time giving her the most quality of the life she had left.
We had to put her completely in God's hands. The "smile on my heart" told me that I could trust Him with her. She is His and He knows best whether she should stay with us or go home to Him. We were ready for that day and I had even begun planning what I wanted to happen at her funeral.
While the "smile" wasn't always on my face, it was on my heart through it all giving me a peace that passes all understanding.
Imagine our surprise and wonder when after the last relapse, nothing happened. She has had no more occurances of cancer in almost 6 years now. The oncologist even admits that she is a miracle.
I wish that everyone could receive the same miracle and sometimes I feel guilty that others don't, while we did. But, I do know that God is trustworthy and His ways are the best ways.
The "Smile On My Heart" comes from the forgiveness, freedom, and fruitfulness He gives me. It is faith. Hopefully we can all grow together here at this blog so we can thrive in a real relationship with our Creator, flourish, and be fruitful in the world!
